What if Your Cat Could Talk Back?


“Do you talk to your cats too?”

“cz my neighbor is a total ‘catholic’ and every morning I hear her yelling at her cat like ‘hey Bart get off the counter and come eat your breakfast I’m not telling you twice I got work to do than just feeding you three times a day and still be ignored when I need cuddles’ meow hahahahaaaaa its funny isn’t it omg do you understand them too?”

“First of all Karen, its ‘Cataholics’ the ones that love cats and ‘Bart’ is a terrible name for a cat. I hope my cats love what they are called. They don’t care anyway most of the time so,

Yeah, actually I do talk to my cats ‘you little snoopy woofy chikle bikle shooshy moo-shy little mushrooms come to mama meow’ OK that just happens all the time.

And the fact that my cats might really understand me, freaks me a little bit. For God’s sake, they see me naked almost every day and they wanna watch me poop, face to face and no you aren’t allowed to close the door to use the hand shower. Great!

cat peeking door

God! you never know how much I pray to the great Egyptian cat gods every day asking to never let my cats talk back or talk at all. You know it is going to be very nasty if that did happen ‘hey Susan did you forgot to wear your underwear today, that little am-bush really needs trimming’

“Yeah well, thanks for reminding me in front of the mailman, you rock!” Sigh!

cat funny face

So, uh uh, nope. I know my cats more than the back of my hand, which does not make any sense, anyway, still no.

The other day I was mimicking my youngest, the cat I mean, I’m a single mom, a single meow?… I guess? So I was really trying to make conversation here and I asked a lot of questions like, “Hey Little baby goose,  my munchkin did you sleep well?’ What do you think about changing your diet for a while? Do you drink enough water or should I get a bigger bowl?

Never bothered as always, turned around and lied down on the floor near my feet. “awww she’s going to sleep maybe I should take a nice little cute picture of her now when she’s still calm

1.. 2… 3…. “recording” ‘hey little baby girl are you sleeping now, should I just leave you alone and go do the dishes? “Meoow” 😑 Nice! thank you, of all that, wow.

My cats are homeschooled, which means they don’t go out only for walks, which they don’t like at all. And whenever I drag them out of the house, I come back home like wolverine. Except they have the claws and I have the scratch marks. What a lovely walk guys thanks for the best evening walks ever. (while plastering my body head to toe, desperately NOT to look like a drug addict with self-harm marks all over the body)

A peaceful, video worthy, Bath is, NOT the style of my children. In fact ‘Olie’ already understands the word ‘bathing’ because every time I say I’m going to “Bath”, she’s running under the couch. “relax darling it is me who is bathing today’ yeah she’s not coming out for a very long time. And the face they make after a nice little shower is priceless. (mostly it looks like the look of my death)

cat bath face

Oh, I have friends too. Just not the typical cat lady you I gained huh? Oh, I have this amazing apartment too which, is always fully lit 24 hours every day any day. Early Mornings and nights are like ‘thunder cats’ live tour de’la living room. You got live cats spinning, circling, walking on walls, and knocking over your favorite coffee mugs, ‘that’s the third one for this week’. And then you got live cats Bungee jumping from the bed frame directly to your tummy in the middle of a rainy night and “good lord Alice I swear something jumped on me just NOW!” Oh, I live with cats Good night! Ducking morons!

cat jumping

So my friends are allowed to bring their partners to my place, for dinners, drinks, to chill. Not the bedroom though, “I ain’t letting anyone get laid under my roof while I’m still single. Ah hell no!’

You know, marriages suck these days yeah. So my friends are experimenting a lot these days. Before jumping. They gonna jump anyway but they still wanna jump with a Mr.right. so I get visitors from different nations, religions, colors (no offense), and languages that I don’t speak. “Bonjour Madame comment Allez Vous?” – ‘

“Um that’s French and I’m from Alaska. But thanks, you’ve got a nice place here, “omg are those catsssssssss! “yeah those are definitely cats and I’m their mother, (but wait, isn’t Alaska a part of European Union or something!) 

One thing I realized is that if my cats were by chance given a voice to talk back at us, that would be the end of all my friends’ relationships. In fact, I even might have to move my home to Antarctica. ” hey auntie Sarah, who is this uncle, CZ I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the one who you came with last week? He surely had red hair and a Black mustache.” Today the guy is Chinese. 🤣

I’m sorry my children are still to be rehabilitated, they just know only a few people who come here regularly and the rest of them are literally aliens. For them!

But I’ve got cat haters walking in here and leaving madly in love with cats and that’s when I know I have become a good mother, just as my mom always wanted me to be.

And she hates cats! Story of my life.

This little girl is “Ollie” Oliette. The love of my life.

And this little nasty is “Charlie” the man of the house (he’s not into gambling I swear) I

And there isn’t a day that goes by, without me wishing that they live a long long time with me until the end!

Family portrait! (so I was kicked out of this because I don’t have enough fur, to qualify)

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